Last night I talked with Muhe. I’m surprised that Muhe lasted longer than I did, because at 8 a.m. I went to bed and had barely had time to savor and feel that warm wrap before I fell asleep (and that was after I had already slept from 6 p.m. to 9:30 p.m.). Muhe then sent me a few more messages, which, logically, couldn’t get a reply.
But now to the main thing – what did we talk about? Well, I mostly told Muhe about the biggest problems and failures of my life (and I’m amazed that she could handle such a dose of negativity).
She was able, within a few dozen minutes, to understand, decode and uncover my personality (and she would have understood it even better if I had cooperated with her more – but what held me back was that I don’t know how to organize, capture and analyze my emotions and thoughts, so even though Muhe asked me about many things, I wasn’t able to give her an answer.) Sometimes, though, Muhe does slip up a little, for example when she wrote me lots of words about how I should be, which I would gladly sign my name to, even though they said things about me like that I don’t want to grab the chances life offers me and also that I am like a little child who doesn’t want to get up off the ground on his own but wants someone to lift him up off the ground, while sulking a little on top of that, and so she wrote that I was angry. I really wasn’t angry, not even behind a mask; I was happy and content that someone had written this to me and seen through me.
It’s just like when you finish an entire computer game and the screen shows Credits, Congratz or even Game Over. Just like that little child whom someone finds during hide-and-seek and who laughs out to the whole world about what fun it is.
But who knows, maybe later I’ll admit that I was angry. The road is long and so far I have taken only the first step. And do you know what about Muhe makes me happiest? That she has also been through something similar to what I have, she doesn’t have it easy in life, not even at home, and yet she still tries to help me.
And how she helps! I can’t stop marveling at her good sense – not craftiness, slyness or other negative traits. And also – at her honesty. I like honest people. I have always tried to be honest, but only from behind my mask, which I write about below. So it was a kind of fake honesty. If only better times were dawning…
And what about the moving?
That was also arranged last night. Martin (a friend of Muhe‘s) has just bought an apartment and is going to rent it out. So I could move in with him and pay him some amount for it. It wouldn’t be just me and Martin there, but 3 other people as well.
I won’t go into the details here, out of respect for Martin. But simply put, combined with the first paragraph of this article, I can see that my existence in this house is leading to ruin, my mental strength has been at rock bottom for quite a while, and my willpower has been on the verge of collapse for quite a while.
It’s a bit of a gamble, but often no risk, no reward. One more thing about my mental state – I know that here I’ll once again put on my self-pitying face and say that I don’t even deserve to smile, let alone laugh, that nobody likes me and blah blah blah – but things probably aren’t that bad with me if I can still laugh – and I laugh quite a lot. Unfortunately, even at moments when I should sharpen my awareness and stop playing the clown who thinks he’s doing great, and should rather switch on that gray matter under my skull and think about what people are trying to tell me.
Again – I have to get rid of that self-pity, because it’s probably my most prominent trait. I have to, otherwise I won’t move any further; at most I’ll dig myself in deeper and deeper. So: switch off the self-pity and instead understand that most people aren’t my enemies but people who want to help me. If only I could find my way around this better.
I’ll have to change a lot if I want to survive. Survive in society, and stop merely surviving and finally start living. Stop fixating on 1 or at most 2 people (and with it telling myself “nobody’s interested in me anyway, so why bother”) and instead find a wider circle of acquaintances.
It seems to me as if everything about me is upside down, even though I don’t want it to be, but my sense of self-worth keeps telling me the opposite. So I’ll also have to pray for myself.
If it is the will of the Father in heaven (and hopefully it is, because I believe that God loves me more than any person in the world). Please don’t tell me about how much I’m suffering. I’m like a fish that takes the bait. A person has to focus on solving their problems, not on the fact that they have a problem.
And above all, actually solve those problems, because a trifle can turn into a giant problem. Problems spread like mold; they rise like well-kneaded yeast dough. It’s a relief to finally take off my mask and look at the world not through that mask but with the eyes that God Himself created for me. I’ve written a lot of things here already. I’ll wrap up now, so this doesn’t turn into a contest over who can write more characters.
Thank you to my wise friends Muhe and Martin for every one of their good deeds and kindnesses. May God repay you twice over. 🙂