Here are the types of men according to the book An Experimental Atlas of Men:
The Celebrity Family
Dramatic Beauty-Gazer
A great mystifier, a shy hedonist and a generous miser, the reverse of the reverse and the face of the face — of all families, this is the most charismatic species ever identified and catalogued. He is the leading representative of the celebrity family.
Persistent Loudspeaker
A razor-sharp tongue, an oversized vocabulary, sarcastic humor, sometimes paired with cheekiness and a cynical-realistic view of the world — these are the typical traits of this talkative species of the celebrity family. He tends to be equipped with an above-average intellect, self-love and an ability to expand his power.
Exalted Songster
He sees himself as an exceptional specimen. He does not like competition and often feels underappreciated. In older specimens we find badly worn vocal cords. Quiet throat-clearing and a frequent turnover of partners are typical of him.
Tabloid Mud-Dweller
The Mud-Dweller would love to be everything that the Dramatic Beauty-Gazer, the Exalted Songster and the Persistent Loudspeaker are combined. His actual results limp gloomily behind his dreamed-up reality.
*****
The Airy Family
Deathly Pale Grass-Eater
He eagerly studies the latest nutrition trends, is active in various animal protection societies, pesters everyone around him with endless lectures on the negative effects of an animal-based diet and loves calculating his friends’ carbon footprint.
Esoteric Alternative
Ashen, yellowish, almost translucent skin, a fixed broad or condescending smile, a slender figure, sandals or flip-flops on his feet, sometimes barefoot, hair of various lengths, often uncut for a long time, loose-fitting clothes made of natural materials, sometimes with large colorful patches.
Ecological Campfire Cook
He is recognizable by bags, backpacks and rucksacks of various sizes carried on his back. A mess tin and a field shovel swing at his waist. He can play the guitar, the banjo or at least the harmonica. He knows how to handle an axe and does not need a smartphone to find north.
Mossy Dreamer
The Dreamer is marked by an admiring and tender love of nature and of all creation. Unlike the Campfire Cook, who actively enjoys nature and knows how to handle it, the Dreamer visits nature reverently and touches it only lightly.
*****
The Brainy Family
Ambitious Rattler
He works on himself every second and subordinates his life and the world around him to his goals, which he pursues relentlessly. He is as hard as a millstone, his elbows are as sharp as razors and his brain is always running at 100% capacity.
Agile Grinder
He is often the more assimilable, more attractive precursor of the Ambitious Rattler. He is very popular socially, because besides healthy self-confidence he also abounds in attractive qualities such as diligence, tact, decency, diplomacy and he is eager and hardworking:
Chaotic Creative
The Creative abounds in an immeasurable amount of talent and has fascinating charisma. He is convinced that routine, order, tidiness, systems and marriage exist only to destroy all imagination in the world.
Hesitant Tangler
He wants to go left but steps right, he says no and means yes. He seeks out card readers and fortune tellers and pesters people around him for advice he never follows. When he cries, he smiles apologetically; he proposes theatrically, yet never shows up to the wedding ceremony.
Man of Exceptional Character
The most evolutionarily advanced specimen, not only among all the families and in the suborder, but at the level of the order of men itself. He keeps his promises as a matter of principle, pays his debts on time, settles invoices before they are due and always tries to do the best possible job under all circumstances.
Spongy Pale One
This is a fiercely intelligent new-generation species, the result of evolutionary development over the past few decades. He consumes hamburgers, fries, pizzas and colas in bulk and loves virtual sex.
*****
The Muscular Family
Resilient Sinew-Man
He does not say much, but when he undresses, everyone around him swoons with delight. He takes great care to bring his partner to a proper orgasm, because a climax is a climax and every victory counts.
Hollow-Headed Muscleman
A clumsy, almost wooden-moving representative of the muscular family, for whom lifting a bricklayer together with a bag of cement is child’s play; he is the bulkiest specimen of the family.
Obsessed Runner
The Obsessed Runner constantly tends to run away from home, disappearing for hours only to reappear sweaty and exhausted. He has a slimmer build than the Sinew-Man, and his muscles are long and less defined.
Muscular Narcissus
He loves tattoos, the softness of his skin, looking in the mirror from the front, the side and the back, the latest hair and beard styles, and he is a master of self-presentation. He follows fashion and nutrition trends.
*****
The Grasping Family
Common Well-Off Man
Economically strong, successful and generous — that is this socially attractive representative of the grasping family.
Nouveau-Riche Predator
This aggressively assertive, extremely capable (of almost anything) representative of the grasping family has adapted Caesar’s “I came, I saw, I conquered” into I see, I want, I have.
Strategic Climber
A highly dangerous, though occasionally charismatic species, which often finds itself at the center of attention of those around it and of the media, which suits it perfectly.
Drastic Saver
The Saver is an unpopular species of the grasping family, mainly because of his perverse relationship with money.
Shadowy String-Puller
This rarely occurring, yet deadly dangerous species is hard for the ordinary researcher to identify. That is why it is not easy to determine where it lives.
*****
The Bladder Family
Self-Loving Self-Admirer
He loves to seek out interiors with mirrors, in which he examines himself repeatedly, at length and fondly. He likes listening to himself even more, and can keep that up for hours. Anyone who does not admire him is an enemy.
Common Blabbermouth
He is masterful at faking activity and verbally very convincing, but reality lags far behind the potential he presents in words. He loves an audience.
Multi-Titled Degree Holder
What comes first for him is a fondness for his own intellect and admiration for the extent of his knowledge.
Boastful Shampoo Man
The Boastful Shampoo Man is a product of the last few decades and is expanding. His ego is a bubble of consumerism, and his IQ is lower the more expensive the hair straightener he owns.
*****
The Domestic Family
Faithful Good Guy
He loves and honors his wife and respects her as an equal partner both in housework and in raising their shared and not-shared children. He considers fidelity something completely natural, believes that kindness gets you furthest, and marriage is for him a sacred temple where happy children dance.
Grayish Hard Worker
This is a socially popular and, thanks to his reliability and diligence, highly sought-after species. As a result of repeated economic and administrative obstacles created by the state and designed to wipe out this exceptional species, he has been designated a legally protected species in the endangered category.
Domestic Cook
Fragrant and adorable — that is the smiling, often slightly portly species of the Domestic Cook. He is a true blessing to every private collection, as he gladly relieves others of the tiresome daily duty of cooking.
Reserved Quiet One
Downcast eyes or, on the contrary, a gaze fixed somewhere in the distance, calm and deliberate movements, speech kept to a minimum, discreet in dress, avoiding communication with strangers — these are the key traits of the Reserved Quiet One.
Motionless Mama’s Boy
The Motionless Mama’s Boy is an unconsciously born chameleon. He can blend perfectly into the TV couch and, before the Saturday cleaning, vanishes brilliantly into the background of the bedroom duvets.
Hypochondriac Whiner
This top expert in diagnosing diseases, distinguished by an excellent command of Latin, has boundless trust in doctors and would most like to move into the intensive care unit.
*****
The Annoying Family
Purple-Faced Tyrant
It is typical of him to humiliate and insult those around him for no reason, while he sees himself as a successful slave driver and an unlimited master.
Rotting Gray Clerk
This contemptible and, unfortunately, expanding species can fake even the highest work commitment with perfect routine. He is a master of shuffling papers and postponing decisions.
Common Nitpicker
The Common Nitpicker is marked by continuous dissatisfaction. He has been excessively pessimistic since birth and has objections to everyone and everything. It is impossible to please him. Ever.
Slobbering Clinger
Not very numerous, yet conspicuously attention-seeking, the Slobbering Clinger is marked by a moist, clinging gaze and a pushy, provocative smile. The mere thought of sex with this individual brings on bouts of gripping nausea.
Stubborn Stinker
To him, soap and water are worse than sulfuric acid, immunity must be strengthened by sleeping in his own excrement, and dirt is scraped off the skin with a scraper only once it is one centimeter thick.
*****
The Funnel Family
Paunchy Beer-Belly
He is willing to have sex only if the contents of the fridge on Saturday morning are as follows: beer, beer, liver sausage, pork belly, beer, blood sausage, beer, head cheese, beer, beer, Fernet, bacon, beer, sausages: beer, beer, beer, beer.
Staggering Tequila Drinker
The distinctive traits of this antisocial species are a staggering gait, a glassy stare, meaningless mumbling and an intense smell of alcohol that sometimes surrounds him for several meters. In his hand he fidgets with, and in the pockets of his often soiled trousers he hides, cigarette butts he has collected on the way or picked out of trash cans.
Know-It-All Jackdaw
The Jackdaw is typical in that he knows everything, understands everything, has been everywhere, or at least knows someone who has been everywhere.
Self-Listening Babbler
An encounter with the Self-Listening Babbler, who is marked by continuous babbling about anything that comes to his mind, is impossible to miss and impossible to forget. What matters is that he constantly repeats himself, following a pattern called verbal looping, which is why he is utterly unbearable to those in his immediate vicinity.
Drawer-Dwelling Leech
He is a kind of amoeba among all the species listed in this publication. Only long-term observation, or even many months of testing, can reveal that we have him in our home care.